Thanks to research on attachment, it is widely known today that humans have an innate need for connection with other humans, which is as basic as our drive for food and shelter. We know that children require nurturing, soothing and protection from their parents in order to survive. This need for constant safe physical and emotional closeness continues to exist in adulthood.
A Look Into The Past
However, this knowledge took some time to establish itself over the centuries. Before that, there was a widely-held belief that parents should raise their children with physical and emotional distance in order to create competent adults. Not picking up babies crying in their cribs was the norm, and so was leaving physically ill children on their own. Parents were not even allowed to accompany their children to the hospital.
In the 18th century, it was first noted that children who had been abandoned and lived in orphanages regularly died from sadness despite being fed and having shelter. In the 20th century, orphans in American hospitals were reported to die “in droves” while being deprived only of touch and emotional contact. The term ‘emotional starvation’ and ‘failure to thrive’ were coined for children separated from their parents as they were unable to relate to others and were stuck in “debilitating grief” (Johnson, Hold Me Tight, p.13-14).
The Father of Attachment Theory
John Bowlby, psychiatrist of the early 20th century, often considered the father of attachment theory, specializing in working with children and teenagers, reported that early emotional deprivation and the quality of connection to loved ones determined children’s development, personality and behaviours. He made a study of children, orphaned from WWII, which confirmed his belief that loving physical and emotional contact with others is necessary for survival as a species. However, his theory was widely rejected and even mocked by other psychiatrists. He needed to find another way to prove his theory.
The Strange Situation Experiment
Mary Ainsworth, Canadian researcher and Bowlby’s assistant, helped him do so by developing the ‘Strange Situation Experiment’ to study children’s attachment behaviours to their mothers. A researcher invited a mother and her child into a room. The mother was asked to leave the room after a few minutes. The child’s behaviours were observed when on his own as well as when his mother returned. They found out that ‘securely-attached’ children became momentarily upset when their mothers left, but were able to calm themselves and easily reconnect with their mothers upon their return. These mothers were usually more attuned, warm and responsive. ‘Insecurely-attached” children were reported to become anxious and aggressive, or detached and distant when their mothers came back. The first usually had mothers who were unpredictable in their behaviour, whereas the latter had moms who were colder, and more dismissive.
This experiment and findings revolutionized the field of psychology, and Attachment Theory is still held true today. Thanks to Bowlby and Ainsworth, we know and understand children’s irrefutable need for consistent emotional and physical closeness with their parents. When long-term or repeated disruptions take place in their relationships with their parents, children will develop an insecure attachment style, either becoming anxious and aggressive, or detached and distant.
Unfortunately and sadly, this knowledge came too late for all the children growing up in orphanages and hospitals at the time. Today, however, we can do better. We cannot ignore, minimize or refute the truth about what children need from their parents.
Adopted Children and Attachment
In the case of adopted children, it is essential that their separation from birth parents be taken into consideration and understood as the cause for so many of their emotional, mental and behavioural struggles. And more importantly, adoptive parents must recognize the special support adoptees need to receive in order to recover from their attachment wounds.
The good news is that attachment styles are adaptive survival mechanisms, and not personality traits. We know that it is possible to repair attachment wounds, so there is hope. When adoptive parents offer the right type of support, adopted children can begin to feel safe and their attachment style will slowly change.
Adoptive parents are holding an invisible magic key that can transform their children’s lives for the better. Once they become aware of it and learn how to use it, they will be able to establish the strong and secure relationship that both parent and child deeply long for.
Reference:
Dr. Sue Johnson (2008), Hold Me Tight, Piatkus.
Recent Comments