In this article, we will dive into the topic of emotions. Let’s try to understand what they are and what purpose they serve.
What are emotions?
This simple, yet complex, question has stirred the minds of psychologists and scientists from varied disciplines, and yet we still cannot agree on one clear definition (McLaren, 2010).
While we try to intellectually and theoretically classify emotions, we often miss the most important aspect of emotions, namely why we feel them, what their purposes are and what we are to do with them.
From a societal standpoint, we have often been taught that some emotions, like happiness, are good, and others, such as sadness or anger, are bad. However, emotions come into “ a boxed set”. “We can’t just pick and choose our emotions” (McLaren, 2010, p.27). We cannot expect to merely feel happy and joyful and avoid being angry, sad, or scared at times. Each emotion “has its own individual message, its own wants and needs, and its own purpose” (McLaren, 2010, p.27). It is time to start understanding emotions more deeply, and develop a better relationship with them.
Emotions are necessary
Even when they can be uncomfortable or inconvenient at times, emotions are part of being human. Quite simply, “we can’t live functional lives without them,” (McLaren, 2010, p.29). We use emotions to make decisions, to set boundaries, to speak up for ourselves, to go after our dreams, to create healthy connections, to remain safe and to notice when we need to make a change.
Repressing Emotions
How we experience emotions as adults stems very much from our childhood. When children feel painful emotions and consistently receive emotional support from a parent, they learn how to identify, manage and process emotions. If, for whatever reason, children do not experience a trustworthy, sustained, and interpersonal connection with a caregiver, they often struggle with emotional regulation and may become accustomed to repressing, avoiding, or ignoring feelings in the hope to make them disappear for good. Sometimes, we become so skillful at shoving down our emotions that we believe we have become masters of our emotions. Little do we know that “what we resist, persists”, as per the renowned Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, and that stuffing down unprocessed emotions doesn’t eliminate them. It merely sends them back to the unconscious, where they will linger until the next opportunity to come to surface, in the hope of being resolved. Moreover, after years of ignoring, avoiding or repressing our emotions, we often become totally disconnected from our heart and are no longer aware of what is going on inside us.
Adding Layers of Pain
At times, we blame ourselves for feeling emotions, which creates a bigger inner turmoil and can add more complex layers of emotions. For example, we feel disappointed at not landing a job we really hoped to get. The next thing we know, we are judging ourselves for being sad, thinking that it is ridiculous and weak. We repress the sadness, and are now adding anger and shame, making it much more complex and painful than the initial emotion. The more kindness we can show towards ourselves when such emotions show up, the easier it will be to process them.
Treating Emotions as Guests
What if we welcomed our emotions as guests into our house, offered them a cup of tea, quietly sat down with them and listened to what they have to say without judgement?
The famous poet Rumi wrote about emotions in his poem entitled The Guest House. He compared emotions to guests and advised us to “welcome and entertain them all” […] and to “treat each guest honorably […]. In other words, when we welcome our emotions and give them the attention they need, they can help us make space “for some new delight”.
The more we block the door to our guests, blame them for showing up uninvited, or kick them out of our house, the more loud and intense these emotions will become until we acknowledge them and pay attention to them.
What Emotions Are Trying to Tell Us
Even though each person’s experience of an emotion is unique, here are a few ways to interpret emotions’ messages:
When sadness is experienced in a healthy and flowing way (without judgment, blame or shame), it helps us reconnect with our inner selves. This emotion is best invited or experienced when in a quiet and safe place. She is not good at helping us get things done, focus on tasks or set boundaries. That is not her job. Sadness “brings flow back to you, it calms you, and it helps you release uncomfortable things you’ve been grasping on to” such as disappointment, lost hope, or the loss of someone dear to us (McLaren, 2010, p.34).
Fear, on the other hand, has a completely different purpose. It is here to connect you with your instincts, intuition or gut-feelings. She helps you scan your environment and read people, and alerts you of any action you need to take. Fear “has a forward, listening, sensing capacity that helps you interact with your environment and other people” (McLaren, 2010, p.36). Overall, fear is the emotion that sharpens your senses and helps keep you safe from dangerous and threatening situations.
Anger rushes in to help you repair your disrupted boundaries and restore your sense of strength. The questions that anger brings up is “What needs to be protected? What needs to be restored?” (McLaren, 2010, p.168). Anger may ask you to speak up for yourself, express your needs and wants, or reset a boundary that someone trespassed. Moreover, in his renowned book “Non-Violent Communication”, Rosenberg defines anger as “a need that is not being fulfilled” (Rosenberg, 2015, p.144). In other words, you may be finding yourself in a situation where your personal needs are not met. That is valuable information because we can “use it as an alarm clock to wake us up” (McLaren, 2010, p.144). From that place, we can take the action or make the changes necessary for our personal well-being.
When we see emotions for what they are, we learn to develop a different relationship with them. Instead of seeing them as our enemies, we can start treating them as friends who are bringing us valuable messages and insights about what is happening in our inner worlds and about what actions we can take to bring about healing and inner peace.
References:
McLaren, K. (2010). The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying To Tell You, Sounds True.
Rosenberg, M. (2015). Non-Violent Communication, Puddle Dancer Press.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Jelaluddin Rumi (13th Century)
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