Self-regulation is not a skill that humans are inherently born with. Children are not born with innate coping skills to manage their emotions or control their behaviours from birth. That applies to all children on this planet, and even more so to children who experienced a traumatic early life experience. In other words, if your adopted child cannot manage their emotions, it is perfectly normal.
What is co-regulation?
Babies need their parents to learn how to identify, name, express, manage and work through their emotions. When a baby cries, their mother will hold the baby, rock it, sway it, name their feelings, console, comfort and soothe them until the baby’s cries slowly fade away and everything returns to calm. This is called co-regulation: responding to a child’s “big feelings” by comforting them with a kind, caring and soothing voice until the child is “regulated” again.
Over time, after repetitive and consistent experiences of being comforted in this way, the child learns that their parent is able to provide a safe haven where they can return to whenever big feelings come up. It instills trust towards the parent, trust that they are safe, trust that someone has their back at all times, trust that they are cared for, trust that they are loved, and that they matter.
What about adopted children?
Adopted children experienced a traumatic separation from their birth parent. This experience was extremely frightening and overwhelming for the child, and what’s more, they don’t have the skills to self-regulate yet. How could they? The person that was supposed to look after them and teach them how to manage their emotions gave them up for adoption. Now, the child’s ability to regulate their feelings and behaviours depends entirely on their adoptive parents.
Challenging Task
Adoptive parents have a more challenging task than non-adoptive parents. Adopted children come to their new family with a baggage of painful experiences and their nervous system has been bruised already. They will often display challenging trauma-based symptoms and behaviours. However, adoptive parents have a huge potential in helping their children heal from their separation trauma if they are informed how.
Self-regulation for adoptive parents
Co-regulation depends entirely on the parent’s capacity to regulate their own feelings first. It’s as simple as that: if the adoptive parent is emotionally dysregulated, the child will not be able to manage their own feelings either. If the adoptive parent is able to manage their emotions, they will be able to provide the support that adopted children so desperately need.
So, dear adoptive parent: “What helps you manage your own emotions? What are some coping skills that help you come back to a calm baseline when you feel hurt, angry, scared or stressed? It is worth taking some time reflecting on these questions and trying out new ways to manage your own feelings so you can truly be there for your child.
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